Introducing, Anonymous and Ellie

I have a friend called Anonymous. What is more romantic than the unknown?

She has given me goals, satisfaction.
She has taught me the value of earning: because I don’t deserve food.
She has taught me to put food in my mouth, and taste only guilt and shame.
She has taught me to relish the pain: our favourite date is self punishment.
She has given me an identity.
She is so good at surprises too! Just last week, I found she had given me Osteoporosis in my spine; Osteopenia in my hips; a BMI of 12.8; a weight of 38.9kg; and a weak heart.
“Near fatal”, the doctor said. “Severe”.
Oh, she loved that. “Well done,” she said. “Go on, keep going. Push yourself harder, get stronger”,
They want to put me in hospital. She says I don’t need anyone else, I have her. We will be together forever, she says. She is very supportive you see.

Anorexia Nervosa: my friend called Anonymous. Because what is more terrifying than the unknown?
She talks, she argues all the time.
She makes Ellie do things she doesn’t want to do.
She forces Ellie to get up at 5:30am to go on a 2 hour bike ride in the Manchester wind, because Anonymous knows the gym shuts on a bank holiday.
She forces Ellie to set herself goals: tomorrow, I will only eat 500 calories. But only if you run 5k in less than 25mins.
She forces Ellie to hide from her friends – there was one incident when Ellie locked herself in her room because her friends were calling her from the front gates “you don’t need them” she said “you have me”.
She won’t let Ellie sit through her 2 hour lectures: “sitting for so long is lazy. You haven’t earned the time to just sit.”
She gives Ellie hunger highs: Ellie finds herself walking around a park and has no recollection of how she got herself there; Ellie blacks out in Sainsbury’s next to the banana stand; Ellie’s head throbs with the effort of simply moving.
Keep moving. You’re so lazy.
Sometimes, Ellie, me; I try and answer back.
Ellie misses Ellie. Ellie misses sandwiches; lie ins; films; books; rest days; a splash of milk in her tea; homework; sleep. Ellie really misses feeling.
Ellie is scared. And I don’t know who she is anymore, I don’t know where she has gone.
But she is there, and I want her back. My family miss her too.

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A gift from Anonymous

I am choosing recovery.
I have come home to Singapore, to my family, and now have a wonderful Eating Disorder team. I have a loving family and supportive friends. I am intelligent. I have reasons to get better, to prove that I am worth the battle, worth the struggle.
Despite advice, I am choosing to fight this battle as an outpatient. Ellie really doesn’t want to take that bed waiting in hospital.
My week is structured around regular appointments: doctors; dieticians; counselling.
One day at a time, I will win this battle.

I am looking for Ellie without Anonymous.

I am so grateful for all the support people have shown me, and I promise to find Ellie.
This is my journey xx

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11 thoughts on “Introducing, Anonymous and Ellie

  1. We know the real Ellie she is a truly lovely person – we value her laughter and her sense of humour, her wonderful warmth and scatty moments! We mention all these things because they are not seen from the ‘outside’. We know these wonderful qualities are all still there. We wish you a full and speedy recovery, that your medical team help you nurture this recovery and you find peace and acceptance along the way. Our love goes out to you (and our prayers too). N+G+L+T xxx

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  2. Hey Ellie, I just wanted to take a moment to a write comment here! I read this and was truly moved by your honesty! A little shocked at what you have been going through and it breaks my heart to see you go through so much pain! But I am empowered by your courage to conquer this battle! Am thinking of you! And hope that you will get back to the Ellie you want to be! The Ellie that is happy with how she is and is free! Praying for you big time and much love! Missing you unbelievably and may you make swift recovery! Also big love to your famalam!

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  3. I am moved by your honesty and your struggle. Horrified by the grip Anonymous has on you but confident that you can shout louder. With time, the internal chatter will fade and you will not need to respond to its mischievous challenges. Ellie knows best. Your intelligence is greater. Sending you love xxxx

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  4. Thank you thank you thank you for making me see….. All I know is that with your support you will find the beautiful, thoughtful, intelligent, glorious, stunning Ellie that I was so lucky to find to give herself to help me remember my boy. I send all my love and support to you and will follow your journey of discovery. Much love Rosie. Xx

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  5. Els you’re an absolute star for doing this!! You are absolutely gorgeous and deserve to be free of that horrid cage! So many people love you, onwards and upwards chica mwah mwah mwah xxx

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  6. I met the real Ellie a few times and she was one of the kindest, most polite, caring and fun people I’ve had the pleasure of bumping in to! I wish you all the best and I’m sure you will succeed! I know we didn’t know each other long, but I’ll miss our little conversations and laughs. Sending all the positivity that I can possibly muster and good luck in the future. Much love, Neil xxx

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  7. I agree with all of the above; and you have SO much to fight for! Your sense of equanimity, your auro of peace and control, your ability to rise from stress unscathed and your amazing warm friendship to us all—you are a true gem that all want to treasure.

    Take a look at the blog “A New Name”–you will see why I have pointed you there when you get there. It’s helped me through a lot.

    Els, more than anything, I am so incredibly happy that I have seen how many people are helping and working to get you fighting fit again. I cannot express how much comfort I feel that you are getting the best of the best treatment. You are everyone’s best friend, you don’t EVER need anonymous. Let’s kick her ass!! Xxxxx

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  8. Well done for standing up and saying “I’m worth it” and I am going to listen to Ellie not anonymous. We all know you are a very special, kind and talented person who deserves to love herself as others love you. You are not alone and everybody is 100% with you on your journey. Good luck and much love from us xxxx

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  9. Ellie, you are a talented and articulate writer. I feel privaleged that you have shared your blog exposing your most inner fears and feelings, but what I see most, shining through the awful struggle, is a brave, determined, exceptionally gifted girl, you are kind and caring to everyone around you and the time has come for you to be kind and caring to Ellie. Well done on making a great start. I can’t wait to read the post when Ellie shows Anonymous the door and heads out to the cinema and beyond. One day at a time you’ll get better . In a week you’ll be better than today, in a month better than you will be next week. Celebrate the baby steps because babies can become giants.

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  10. Ellie – glad to read that you’ve gone home and leaving anonymous here in UK. We’re all thinking of you and remember that we’re only ever a phone call or email away. xxxxx Johan Nini Laurence & Emma

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  11. Dearest Ellie

    Shocked and very moved by your story. What a brave lady you are with great courage to share this. I have always enjoyed your company and always thought of you as an extremely elegant talented intelligent lady who always looked out for others and went the extra mile qualities to be admired and proud of. So please dear friend keep walking this tough road with the knowledge you are NOT ALONE. We are all routing for you willing you through to break this torturous cycle. You have achieved so much in your life and the world needs more ELLIE. Thinking of and praying for you. Love Julie xxx

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