1 Week to Save Myself

“I don’t know how much more your body can take.”

My weight has dropped to 38.15kg.
I have been given 1 week by my doctors to make it go up, or I will be admitted into hospital.
An inpatient.
I am terrified.

“Our bond is too strong. Give up. Give up Ellie. Why leave now? We’ve come so far, think how much further we could push ourselves … think how much more we can endure together …”

“I don’t know how much more your body can take.”
Oh doctor, neither do I.

Hello, this is a little update from me, Ellie’s body. Hi. I am the cause, the witness and the manifestation of the battle between my old friend Ellie, and her shiny new best friend Anonymous.
They’ve been fighting a lot lately, but I won’t let myself get my hopes up that Ellie will come back to me. She may have gone too far this time. Why would she come back to me when she has Anonymous anyway? I’ve never seen it myself, but Anonymous insists she is better, stronger.
Three is a crowd after all, so I just sit here quietly, watching the storms come and go.
It must be rather convenient for Anonymous to have me waste away: this way she can have Ellie all to herself.
Selfish. Some might even say “greedy”.

“Hospital”
3 syllables: 1 for each of us.

We all deal with fear differently.
Ellie’s reaction was predictable and becoming: panic – in all it’s tearful glory.
Ah, but where was Anonymous to comfort her this time? Tell her to trust her? That she was in control?
Well now. It transpired that Anonymous was panicking too, because she knows the threat of ‘hospital’. At least, she’s heard rumours, stories, tales. Anorexia lore is extensive but undocumented. Taboo.

Two terrified souls, yet still they seek to destroy each other, and leave me in their wake. So I just sit here, and let the storms pass.

image1-12
When I started recovery, my wonderful Mum bought me Ellie the Elephant: because Ellie’s never forget, and I am not going to forget who Ellie is.
Ellie has been visiting more often because she is scared. Every now and then Anonymous appears, wrecks havoc, punishes gluttony and laziness.
I must observe, fear has made Anonymous a little erratic.
One moment she is up to her usual tricks: telling Ellie she is lazy; that she doesn’t deserve that milk. She hasn’t earn’t that milk. She doesn’t need that milk.
She next she is dithering. Fear is a powerful thing: and what is more terrifying than the unknown? Anonymous is facing her own no man’s land.
I don’t know about Ellie, but I could really use that glass of milk. Sharpish.

It really hurts to swallow.
I am a mere body: cells, bones, tissues, nothing to boast of. I can’t pretend I’m in great shape at the moment, but this battle is a little out of my league, and I fear I am being left behind.
It’s all in the subconscious, and that is a dirty business.
Ellie is fighting to eat.
If I’m honest, it’s a hard campaign to support. Food doesn’t feel right: it’s too big; too much. It shouldn’t look that way, feel that way as it goes down and then I’m faced with the task of actually doing something with it. I can’t remember the last time I had actual food to handle, and now it feels too much.

I can’t decide who is trying harder to destroy me; but maybe it would be better for me to just fade, to just sit quietly and wait for something to happen, something to change.

She has a week, Ellie has a week to convince us all.

Anorexics have remarkable willpower: there is a lot of control in self starvation.
Ellie really doesn’t want to go to hospital; and if I’m honest, neither do I.

Hello, this is a little update from me. Today, Ellie has willpower, and I have milk.

5 thoughts on “1 Week to Save Myself

  1. Oh my dear, dear Ellie. Drink the milk and do whatever the doctors ask of you as we want Ellie back. You have to fight your subconscious (anonymous) and listen to your conscious (Ellie) mind. Anonymous is definitely trying to trick you and if you can only stay in the present with Ellie, anonymous will begin to lose her grip and fade in power. We are all willing Ellie on with love and admiration.xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You can do it! Imagine the achievement and the accomplishment you’ll feel! Take this challenge and conquer it! You deserve to make Ellie feel good for a change, Anonymous has had its very greedy share of feeling good! xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ellie, I’ve not met you, but I am bowled over by your insight, your courage and your writing. Use all that strength and willpower to fight for Ellie and beat Anonymous into oblivion. It is what you both deserve.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Ellie
    You sound exhausted Ellie – please consider going to hospital early. I’m sure that sounds utter madness to you but please remember it is a place of hope and support. The constant internal strife you are in must make it difficult to see/hear the path forward. Hospital might just offer some silence from the constant noise. Big hug to you and keep up with the hard work xx

    Like

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